In the business of daily life and dealing with its’ never ending surprises! I forgot to write more about my attempts in drawing and how the workshop ended. Seemed less important at the time but today I came across one of my life drawing sketches and it felt so alien. I feel I’ve been just rushing through my life in the last few years trying to find some stability, I have missed on so many other things, and when you discover that stability is just a mirage, things come in focus; You must either choose to make peace with the chaos and continue or, well give up! Nevertheless, even giving up is a choice. Life is such a bizarre experience, there are really no words to describe it.
The last day of the workshop, everyone was gathering their drawings to take with them, I didn’t see the point. I wasn’t impressed with my body of the work, and those I thought I was able to capture something interesting were recorded on my digital companion, so I threw them all in the rubbish bin. Just before leaving and to my surprise, someone asked if she could have one of my drawings, I had to go back and take everything out of the rubbish bin and find it for her, it felt strange, as if I was going through the days of my life that I had no care for, to find something that someone else thought it meant something, did it?
He was walking, towards the bus stop, but it didn’t feel like walking.
Waiting for the bus, it didn’t feel like waiting.
It was as if he was constantly on the move, and he was.
The time was passing by regardless of his state and he was travelling with it.
There was nothing constant – a minute later seating on the bus,
Looking at the people around, each drowned in their own world.
He took his sketchbook out and made a quick drawing of the girl by the window,
now he had a constant! a moment captured in time and space.
When he got off the bus he gave it to the girl and walked away,
He realized he doesn’t want to keep anything constant with him,
He was passenger, a passenger of time.
he knew it would rain
he knew he should take his umbrella
but he didn’t
and it rained
and he got wet
but it didn’t matter
in his mind he wasn’t getting wet
he was just there
a part of everything
a distant figure in the background
or someone you could bump into
would you notice if he was getting wet?
was he even there?
Sometimes, decisions we make don’t work out the way we want, and sometimes we even know that, but nevertheless they need to be made, and when it’s done just the fact that it’s made gives us a little peace of mind, it’s like putting your feet into a cold water on a hot summer day for a few minutes, that rush of cold touching your skin.
And then back to the reality …
His ears were still buzzing, as if he was still inside the packed train, hearing all the chatters, noise, occasional laughters … looking at an Indian guy standing next to the door staring at the white screen on his iphone, he felt like he’s seen this before! or the two ladies in front him talking and laughing out loud ignoring everything and everyone around them. He had to let go of the bar he was holding coz one of them was constantly moving and leaning to it making him and a few other moving heir hands behind her!.He was more curious than annoyed by it! surely she could feel the squashed hands behind her back! Finally when one of them got off, the other one started a never ending phone conversation about how it was still to early to buy a present for her pregnant friend.
He was outside now, walking home, yet he could still hear them, as if his mind was still there, wondering about people…. but suddenly, his attention shifted to hearing his own footsteps, and the silence fell over the street. He stopped.
A flickering street light, a ginger cat passing by, rain drops hitting the ground .. all in silence… and he remembered; all the embarrassing, humiliating, frustrating and depressing moments of his life, and how he felt, all the failed attemps, shattered dreams and meaningless hopes. All the sadness and bitterness came through him, but he thought none matters! He wondered how he could even care, how stupid everything was!
A car’s light blinded his eyes for a few second and he noticed the noise is coming back. It wasn’t raining anymore but he could hear the flickering street light in front of him. The cat was getting some attention from a couple, one sat down and gently stroked her back. He felt something wet hitting his face, it was coming from the trees, what was left of the rain.
After a few blank seconds he tried to remember what happened and what he was thinking about. And when he did ,he realized the bitterness and sadness he felt has returned, and all those moments are still upsetting for him, and he wondered …
He was almost home and could see the windows, the light was on.
He felt nothing.
The fog is putting everyone to sleep,
like an infectious virus,
but the way it works is to make them believe
they are awake and you are the only one asleep!
So to wake up you need to sleep,
but then you are asleep!
He came home and sat behind his desk,
he didn’t take off his coat
or his hat
or his scarf
or his shoes.
He just sat and stared,
not at the monitor
or the desk
or the wall.
He just stared and thought,
not about today,
not about you,
not about himself,
he just thought and closed his eyes,
not because he was tried,
or the room was too bright,
he just closed his eyes,
and it was dark.